


On the Subject of Children

by The_Jashinist



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Children, Children, Gen, Harm to Children, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 08:26:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1933902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Jashinist/pseuds/The_Jashinist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's never been confirmed that anyone in the Akatsuki can actually handle children. Well, until six of them get turned into children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which a Jutsu Test Goes Seriously Wrong

Kakuzu's head spun, he had shrunk back into a pile of black and red, his cloak. Whatever jutsu Satori had gotten the bright idea to test, it had a very bad effect.

"Fuck," Kakuzu held his forehead as a searing pain shot through it.

"Oh god," Kakuzu heard Satori say from beside him, "don't look now Kakuzu-san, but we're fucked."

"What happened?" Kakuzu asked.

"Um, well..." a shifting beside Kakuzu prompted him to look over to the young kunoichi, only to find her in the form of a small child, maybe five or six and, to his horror, so was he.

"Satori help!"

The kunoichi stumbled to her feet to help a pile of Akatsuki off her employer, Sasori. Kakuzu sighed and looked around the room. He counted the present Akatsuki-members-turned-children quietly to himself. Him, Satori, Sasori's partner Deidara, Sasori, and Itachi...they had a missing member of the crack team of insane children: Kakuzu's own partner, Hidan.

"I swear to god," Deidara stood, falling back into Itachi then righting himself, "if I find that damn Jashinist I'm ripping his fucking head off, un."

The death threats weren't helping, but no one wanted to tell the blonde artist, he sounded far too cute saying them.

The sound of walking feet made the six Akatsuki freeze in terror. They all hid save for Satori, who tried to hide and promptly tripped over her own two feet. Deidara and Sasori snickered, but quieted as Konan stepped in. Satori, being flat in her face in the center of the floor, was her first order of business. She righted the small kunoichi and placed the child on her lap.

"So that scroll you found was an age reversal," Konan guessed.

"Ye," Satori nodded. Kakuzu heard a snort of laughter from the fireplace.

"Who helped?" Konan asked, her amber eyes on the fireplace.

"Kakuzu, Hidan, Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori," Satori reported, "they all hid and I fell on my face." Konan opened the ash covered fireplace and produced a naked and soot coated Hidan before throwing her cloak over him.

"I don't want this on me!" Hidan argued.

"Stay put," Konan ordered, fishing behind the couch. From behind the couch she pulled Sasori and Deidara by their collars, placing them next to the soot covered Jashinist and miniature klutz. She scanned the living room again, pulling out Itachi before long from behind the plant by the window, but couldn't seem to find Kakuzu.

Which Hidan thought was all the better, but everyone else guessed was stuck in one of the large vases flanking the door, which he was.

"Where's Kakuzu?" Konan turned to the others.

"Um," Kakuzu's small hand waved from inside the vase, "help?"

Konan sighed and lifted Kakuzu out of the vase and placed him beside the rest of the chibified group. She stepped back and looked between all seven of them.

If it had been Sasori, Deidara, and the librarian, this would have been simple.

"Pein!" she called, doing the rare act of raising her voice. An action Pein reluctantly responded to.

"What?"

"Come in here!"

"I'm a little busy Konan!"

"Not as busy as you're going to be!"

Pein walked out of his office and reluctantly entered the living room. Wherein the almost always serious leader of the Akatsuki lost his shit and began laughing hysterically.

"This isn't funny Pein," Konan sighed.

"It really isn't," Satori agreed, "I'm next to an asshole covered in soot, I like it less."

"I'm sorry," Pein quickly righted himself, "I wasn't expecting that."

"We noticed," Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Ye," Satori agreed. Hidan snorted again.

"What are you saying?" Deidara asked.

"She's saying yes," Sasori translated.

"Ah," Deidara nodded, "that makes sense, un."

"So," Pein, completely recovered but wearing an uncharacteristically silly grin on his face, returned to business, "that's half the Akatsuki turned into five year olds, and Sasori's top librarian."

"I take it we need to be watched until the technique either wears off or the cure is found?" Satori guessed.

"Does the technique wear off?" Pein asked. Satori stumbled over to the scroll in a very ungraceful manner and pulled it open. After reading it for a short while, she looked at Pein and nodded.

"If you count aging normally as 'wearing off," she replied. Pein sighed.

"There is a reversal of the jutsu," Satori continued, "but the scroll is probably with one of the five great nations, this one's from Otogakure. Oh and the Sky Country's not a bad place to check either."

"Where would we be without you Satori?" Pein asked.

"Without two artists, a Jashinist, and you probably wouldn't be surrounded by five year olds," Satori noted, "oh and Kakuzu would probably be dead."

"Watch it," Kakuzu warned.

"You would be," Satori sat on the ground, her little feet making small hills in the oversized cloak draped over her. Konan lifted Deidara off the ground.

"This one should be the easiest to manage at a store," Konan said, "I'll take him to get clothing."

"Why can't I come?" Sasori crossed his arms.

"You'd kill someone," Satori and Itachi said in unison, "for calling you cute." Konan pointed to the two before exiting the room. Pein looked at the remaining five children.

Hidan, finding his soot-covered body made marks on the others, was now drawing on Sasori's face, much to the redhead's dismay.

Kakuzu was trying to find the ground with his actual feet, since they were covered by a huge cloak.

And Satori and Itachi were trying to keep Hidan away from Sasori.

Four of them were already covered in soot and only one had hidden in the fireplace.

And then Hidan flicked soot at Kakuzu.

Make that five, and the floor.

* * *

 

Konan had made a good choice for a shopping buddy, as the small blonde was remembering things they needed and pointing out clothing articles that a chibified member would like. He was a useful little bugger.

Konan figured things were fine, until she got back to the base, where a slightly soot covered Satori reported that Kakuzu had tried to drown Hidan for covering them all in soot, in the bathtub, with bubble bath. Konan lowered Deidara to the ground and walked into the bathroom, where Kakuzu was sitting on the ground, wrapped in a towel, whilst Hidan and Itachi were in the bathtub.

"Where's Pein?" Konan asked.

"Sasori doesn't want to take a bath," Kakuzu informed the blue-haired kunoichi. Konan didn't like the sound of that, but turned to the other two Akatsuki.

"We tried getting out a few minutes ago," Hidan said, "we're too short."

"Pein took me out when I tried killing Hidan."

Konan lifted Kakuzu to his feet and pushed him into the hallway, pulling the other two out of the tub and doing the same after wrapping them in towels. Deidara tottered in, carrying Satori and wearing half of her soot.

"She kept falling over," he explained. Konan sighed and gestured for the two to get into the bath. She walked out to find Pein trying to carry a struggling Sasori.

"Get these three dry I'll take the redhead," Konan took Sasori from Pein, "you're really no good with kids."

"We still act like adults," Hidan noted.

"When did you ever act like an adult?" Deidara called from the bathroom.

"What he said," Kakuzu nodded. Konan carried Sasori into the bathroom, shut the door, and placed him on the ground.

"Bathtub," Konan pointed to the bathtub, where Satori was having a water fight with Deidara, "now."

"But," Sasori protested, then pouted and complied. Konan sighed at the strange shapes drawn on Sasori's face.

"Hidan drew on him," Satori smiled. Sasori splashed the brunette to silence her. Konan wet a washcloth and scrubbed at the soot doodles on Sasori's face whilst the other two played behind him.

Pein opened the door as she was lifting Satori out of the bathtub; Sasori and Deidara were already on the ground.

"Are they dry and dressed?" Konan asked, Pein nodded.

"We need to figure out what to do," he said.

"No," Konan corrected the man, rubbing Sasori's hair dry with a towel, "we need to calm down and then figure out what to do with these three and those three." Pein nodded and looked at Deidara and Satori, who were using their towels as make-shift hoods.

"Look Leader-sama," Deidara smiled, "we're Jedi!" Sasori pulled away from Konan and glared at Deidara.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"Nineteen mentally, but I sure as hell ain't passing up a chance to be as adorable as possible," Deidara replied, "besides, it's not like I'm the only one acting immature, un." Deidara nodded to Satori, who, in her towel-hood, was blowing spit bubbles.

"That's disgusting Satori," Sasori crinkled his nose.

"Get back here," Konan grabbed Sasori and returned to ungracefully drying his red hair.

"Mmph," Sasori protested, muffled by the towel. Deidara giggled, joyfully watching his partner suffer.

"Could you help me?" Konan asked, "I think Itachi can be a bit of an adult long enough to prevent the immortal toddlers from murdering each other." Sasori attempted to pull away from Konan, who pulled him right back.

"I'm dry okay?" Sasori screamed, hitting Konan's arms with little clenched fists pitifully.

"There," Konan wrapped the towel around Sasori, "you are too stubborn for your own good."

"You nearly suffocated me with a towel," Sasori growled.

"You're being melodramatic," Konan herded the small redhead out of the way and pulled Satori over. Satori stopped blowing spit bubbles and smiled at Konan through her bangs.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello," Konan pulled the towel hood off, them looked to Pein, "can you dry Deidara off?"

"Sure," Pein grabbed Deidara and used the towel hood already over the blonde's long hair to dry it.

"You're tearing my ears off," Deidara whined, "stop it, un." Konan smiled and began drying Satori off. Satori, though she didn't protest, hummed loudly throughout the entire ordeal.

Once all six were dry and dressed, Pein set to the task of cutting off the far too long hair of Kakuzu, Deidara, and Itachi, whilst the others, save Hidan, who decided to watch the aforementioned task, read through the scroll to figure out more about the technique.

"So then," Pein looked to Satori, who was rolling the scroll back up carefully, "what's the deal?"

"Well," Satori handed the scroll up to Konan, "you're not going to like this."


	2. In Which the Jutsu is Explained and Hidan Nearly Dies, Again

The technique was simple; Satori had clarified that first, though saying that, its effects were not simple. For starters, their physical make-up, excluding most of their mental capacity, was completely child. They were weak, they had low stamina, and any training they had previously done had completely left them, save any kinjutsu or kekkei genkai. Supposedly this explained away Satori's newfound inability to walk, as well as Hidan's ability to survive Kakuzu choking him with tendons he definitely did not have, as a five year old, for the last thirty minutes.

Mentally they were mostly adult, they still retained their intelligence and personality, Satori said that these traits would most likely stay, as the technique mainly affected victims physically; any mental effects that were instilled were the only mental effects. According to what Pein had already observed, the only adverse effect mentally was that none of them were mature anymore. Hidan wasn't mature to begin with, so there wasn't much of a change there, but the others had definitely become notably less mature and the relatively emotionless Sasori, Kakuzu, and Itachi now seemed like completely normal and sane human beings.

Except for Kakuzu's tendons, that wasn't really normal.

The scroll's maker, now that Satori had read the scroll, was from Kumogakure, but the reverse, as noted on the scroll in an addendum, was made by a shinobi in Takigakure, and was still there. Clearly Orochimaru had neither the time, nor the energy, to try getting into the village.

Pein wasn't about to send any old team in either. He had to think about this, six members were children at this point, and the remaining adults…Zetsu and Kisame would botch the mission alone, he knew that much.

And asking Madara for help would be replied to with Madara's equivalent of go fuck yourself.

"Leader-sama!" Sasori whined, trying to avoid Hidan, who had since been released by Kakuzu and had begun finding new ways to torment his fellow members. Thus far he had discovered that dismay and utter distress appeared when Hidan did the following: stole Satori's glasses, pulled Deidara's hair (or Itachi's, for that matter), or, as he had just found, tried lifting the much smaller Sasori off the ground.

He hadn't tried tormenting Kakuzu yet, which Pein felt was for the best. Satori sat on the floor and tapped the toes of her little shoes together as she watched the silver haired menace chase the redhead around Konan. Konan had found this amusing, if only for the short time that the action seemed completely innocent, which was about until Hidan had caught Sasori, lifted him off the ground, walked over to the coffee table, climbed onto it, and proceeded to attempt to throw the redhead off the coffee table. This did not end as planned, as Hidan was, yet again, being choked by Kakuzu and repeatedly hit by Deidara and Satori. Sasori, who had just barely managed to avoid getting chucked off the coffee table, scrambled over to Konan and latched onto her leg, where he remained for the next hour.

Pein sensed lots of migraine medication in the upcoming weeks. Hidan was finally released and redirected his torment onto Deidara, pulling his hair. Deidara's only available retaliation was to yell at Hidan and call him names. Pein rubbed his temples.

"The next person to curse, pull hair, or show violence towards each other is getting spanked," he said loudly. Hidan immediately released his handful of Deidara's hair as the blonde snapped his mouth shut midway through forming an insult.

_Good,_ Pein thought to himself, _that works._ Deidara's eyes were wide with panic and he curled into a ball.

"Thank you for behaving," Pein said, and walked out. The six shinobi looked between each other.

"All those in favor of never pissing off Leader-sama say 'Aye,'" Hidan raised his hand. A unanimous "Aye" spread across the other five children. Konan sighed; Pein really had no idea what to do with kids. He had quickly made all six of them downright afraid of him, just to make them behave. She looked down at the smallest of the pack: Sasori, finding it rather fitting that the shortest member of the Akatsuki was also the smallest child. Kakuzu, being the tallest as an adult, was surprisingly closer to Sasori's size, whilst Deidara, Itachi, and Satori sported near identical heights. Hidan was taking full advantage of being tallest, naturally, but by acting more like a teasing jerk of an older brother than a responsible one.

Thinking that the threat of corporal punishment was gone, Hidan flopped onto his stomach and reached to grab a handful of Kakuzu's hair.

"If you touch my hair I will scream curses until Leader-sama comes in," Kakuzu said calmly. Hidan quickly retracted his hand and climbed up the back of the couch.

"You'd sacrifice yourself to get me punished?" Hidan asked, almost as if afraid.

"Of course I would," Kakuzu looked back at Hidan, "we're still partners, if you screw up, I'll take the fall with you."

"That sounds way too sentimental for you Ojii-san," Satori pushed her glasses up with her wrist.

"Maybe I'm being normal and I'm good at shutting up as an adult," Kakuzu suggested.

"Well I call bullshit," Satori said in a low voice, so not to alert Pein to her language. She bounced to her feet and looked at Deidara and Hidan. "You and you," she pointed to them, "help me into the kitchen."

"You're hungry?" Konan asked.

"Ye."

"I still can't get over that," Hidan giggled as he went to help Satori walk, "you're just so cute."

"Stop being mean," Konan lifted Satori off the ground, balancing the young child on a hip with Sasori still clinging to her calf, "is anyone else hungry?"

"Is anyone else being carried?" Hidan asked, looking Konan up and down.

"No."

"Well I'm hungry anyway," Hidan walked into the kitchen. The sound of the fridge opening was followed by the sound of hysterical laughter.

Kisame had officially found the five-year-old Hidan.

"What the fuck are you doing in that getup?" Kisame gasped though hysterical laughter.

"This ain't a fucking getup!" Hidan yelled, "Satori turned half the Akatsuki into shrimps!"

"Oh as if it weren't your fucking idea!" Satori screamed in reply. Konan walked into the kitchen with the remaining children, only to see Kisame almost on the floor because he was laughing so hard at Hidan's attempts to pull a gallon of chocolate milk out of the fridge.

Even as the tallest, he was puny.

Kisame moved to help the Jashinist, who bared his teeth viciously.

"I will bite your fucking hand off," he hissed.

"I got it," Kakuzu clambered on top of Hidan, who protested loudly. He pulled the milk off the shelf and slid off Hidan, tottering over to the counter with the heavy jug in both hands. The other children, besides Hidan, clapped at the feat.

"So," Kisame looked at the six child Akatsuki and then at Konan, "care to explain why my partner is now five, along with four other members and one's bookkeeper?"

"Long story," Konan sighed. Kisame smirked and sat on the counter.

"I've got time."


End file.
